


4 Ounces Of Whoop-Ass

by FrozenHearts



Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Charles Being Concerned, Charles has hair, Charles in a Wheelchair, Coffee Shops, Dirty Talk, F/M, Gen, M/M, Non-Consensual Touching, Protective Erik, Scott's a little shit, Sex Jokes, Sexual Harassment, SpeedyBeam, VeggieTales References, YouTube, dadneto, protective Charles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 00:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8349475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrozenHearts/pseuds/FrozenHearts
Summary: Alex works at a coffee shop with Erik and Charles and one day meets Peter, who just wants a cup of coffee and for his ex-boyfriend to leave him alone.
or
The coffee shop AU where Scott's Brother's Boyfriend's Ex Gets A Talking To From Four Ounces Of Whoop-Ass.
or
The obligatory X-Men coffee shop AU no one asked for and I wrote because there are literally no other coffee shop AU's I can find in this fandom.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I realize this is the first time I've actually written a coffe shop au
> 
> EDIT: I KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT COFFEE SHOPS I WROTE THIS AFTER READING A BUNCH OF COFFEE SHOP AU'S THINKING I COULD TRY WRITING ONE TOO. THIS IS THE RESULT AND IT IS RIDICULOUS.

Alex liked working at X-Mansion, he really did. His boss, Charles, was a nice guy and gave him paid leave. Erik, Charles's boyfriend (no matter how much they denied it), always sneaked extra foam into a latte for him on his way out after a shift. Sometimes Alex would see Scott trying to impress a girl with red hair in a booth by the window, and Alex would make sure to.embarrass him by bringing his order over and ruffling his hair with a good-natured "What's up, little brother? Don't get the syrup up your nose again!" to which Scott would reply "That was one time!" and the red haired girl would laugh.

Alex would always see them back here again by next Saturday, so he figured Scott must have actually managed to figure out how to flirt in a way that didn't involve poking straws up his nose.

This morning, he saw them again, Scott loping up to the counter, "Jean says hi."

Alex nodded, "I can see her, Scott. But thanks. What's up?" Alex raised a hand towards Jean, who sent a smile in return.

Scott fiddled with his sunglasses; the lenses were tinted red, and Alex could see himself in the reflection.

"Can I get an extra shot of foam in mine?" Scott pointed to the steaming mugs Erik had just slid onto the counter.

Alex shrugged, "Dunno, man. Think you can handle it?"

Scott scoffed, "I'm the cool brother, remember? I can handle it fine."

Laughing, Alex ruffled Scott's hair again, adding another shot of foam anyway, "More like dorkier. Don't drink it too fast, you don't want to burn your throat."

"Last I checked that was you, but whatever helps you sleep at night."

There was a loud clang from the kitchen, followed by colorful swearing (Alex never knew British people could be so polite when mad, but that was Charles for you), and Erik poked his head out of the door, "Alex, we need you back here. Charles has done something stupid again."

"Did not!" was Charles's indignant reply, and Alex could just picture him pouting as chaos erupted around him, which was a very Charles thing to do. Giving Scptt the drinks, Alex stalked into the kitchen. Just as he reached the doors, he had the strangest feeling of someone watching him, the feeling of eyes boring into his back, but then thought better of it, treading into Charles's mess.

Coffee beans were strewn about, and Alex almost fell flat on his back as he slipped; he went to grab the shelf for support only to miss and land flat on his back, coffee beans crunching underneath him in protest. 

"Here we are," Erik said as he grabbed Alex's wrist and pulled him up, "Better, my friend?"

Small beans were stuck to his shirt, but Alex was just glad he hadn't broken anything. Or bones. Nodding, his gaze fell upon Charles as he sat in his wheelchair, covered in coffee beans and what looked like an entire bottle of caramel syrup.

"Do I even want to know what happened?" Alex asked as Charles mopped himself up with a napkin. Caramel was sticky in his brown hair,  small chocolate chips caught in the bun at the nape of his neck.

"Very sorry, Alex," Charles huffed, "I thought I could reach some ingredients on my own-"

"Charles, you know you can't get everything from the chair."

Charles frowned at Erik's statement, "I know but I wanted to be useful for once and-"

Erik chuckled, showing off a smile that always reminded Alex of a shark, "You are helpful though. Who else will I get to look at every time I'm working the counter and Alex is late?"

Alex smirked, "If you two lovebirds have this covered, "I'm going back to the front." He gestured to the beans across the floor, careful not to step on anything else or fall again, "I'll help with clean-up when I'm finished out there?"

"Yeah, okay!" Erik said. Alex heard giggling, "Charles!"

Yeah. They didn't need help cleaning anything.

\-----

The next morning, Alex found himself sweeping up the mess from the day before until he felt like an arthritic old man who had just joined the circus. He knew Charles meant well, and that he just wanted to help, but he didn't fit with his wheelchair. There wasn't any space for him to work, but Alex knew not to say anything. Charles hadn't said anything when he first hired him (he had mentioned being an army veteran on his resume at Scott's urging because he thought it would be important and interesting), so no one said anything about Charles trying to be helpful around the kitchens.

The door creaked open and Alex looked up to see Erik shuffle in. The black apron hung low on his hips and the v-neck shurt was rumpled considerably. 

"Someone had fun," Alex joked, handing over the broom, "You wanna finish up in here? I need to write the specials on the board outside."

Erik hadn't even bothered objecting, instead yawning as he grabbed for the broom and almost dropping it just as Alex let go.

"Remind me to lock the wheels of Charles's chair before trying to get him out of it for bed," Erik's voice was gravelly, "damn thing takes an hour to park, I swear."

"As long as you don't run over your toes, I guess," Alex said as he pushed open the door and entered the cafe. Charles was busy wiping down a few tables, grunting as he struggled to reach for the other end. Alex grabbed the rag as Charles snapped it for a second time, wiping down the area before sliding it back to him, "Morning, Charles!"

"Thank you, Alex!" Charles replied, "Arms were starting to hurt."

"Eh, you'll be fine," Alex grinned as he opened the front door, ducking under the bell to the sidewalk and crouch in front of a chalkboard easel. The chalk was rough against his fingers and Alex absolutely hated the way it sounded against the board. It was almost as if someone was getting ripped apart, the flecks of chalk acting as blood. 

Alex shook his head. He didn't even know why he just thought that. The war was over. Nothing like that had even happened anyway. Despite the slight shake in his fingers, Alex kept writing until the chalk was a nub, since the piece wasn't that big to begin with.

"You guys open?"

Alex jumped, turning to find a young man standing behind him. He wore black, save for the silver jacket and Alex noticed his hair was the exact same shade, a few strands looking almost white at certain angles.

Alex tried to catch his breath, "E-Excuse me?"

The man jutted his chin, giving Alex a smirk with a pair of lips that Alex thought looked as soft as the clouds. He failed to hide his blush as the man said, "The coffee shop. Are you guys open yet?" 

The shake was almost invisible before, but Alex could feel his hands shaking worse, even as he clenched and unclenched his fingers. He was surprised his voice didn't waver when asking him to "Please, come in!" And "What can I get you?"

Alex could still hear Erik and Charles in the back doing who knew what, but one look at the guest and Alex figured he didn't hear it or was politely ignoring them for Alex's sake. The bell rang above the door and Alex peered over the man's shoulder to see Scott and Jean waltz in, hand in hand.

"Hey, Alex!" Jean hopped over and gave him a hug. The man smirked as Alex awkwardly returned it, Jean's hair soft against his palm as he gave her a small pat.

"Bro, you're so weird," Scotr chuckled.

"Nah. You're the one wearing sunglasses indoors," the man piped up.

Alex raised an eyebrow at him, "Ooh, kind sir! The teasing is reserved for brothers only, thank you very much!"

The man nodded, raising his hands in mock-defense, "Watch out! They say I'm pretty fast with a roundhouse kick."

Scott laughed, "Whatevrr you do, make sure Alex can actually walk the nexg morning."

"Scott!" Alex squeaked, his face burning as his brother dragged Jean to their usual booth. The man laughed as Alex averted his gaze to stare at the table, pulling out the chair for him to sit. Was it him, or had it gotten hotter in here? Alex made a mental note to check the thermostat.

Looking down, he could see the shaking in his hands had subsided. That was something.

"Alex?" the guy asked softly when Alex didn't move for a few minutes, "You okay, buddy?"

Alex bit his lip, "Yeah, yeah. I'm fine, 's just a side-effect."

"Of little brothers?" 

"The war."

The man nodded, "Right. Can I just get a cappuccino then?"

Alex mentally groaned. Of course he'd mess up already. A cute guy and all his sanity went out the window- who tells someone they just met that they were in the war?!

"I'm an idiot," Alex ran a hand through his hair, "What's your name?"

Now it was the man's turn to blush, "M-My name?"

Alex nodded, "To put on the cup when your drink is ready."

"Oh, right, right." the man nodded, "It's Peter. Maximoff."

Alex smiled, "Right, Peter. I'll have that cappuccino ready for you in jiffy."

"Thanks, Alex."

Alex caught Charles and Erik grinning at him with their heads poked out from the door. He thought Erik looked more like a shark than before, so he made sure to use the broken coffee machine. It broke a while back, and Erik hadn't bothered to get it fixed. 

He heard Charles laugh as the machine shot a spurt of caramel syrup in his eye. Hopefully Peter wasn't watching as he made the drink.

\-----

Charles had noticed Alex's hands shaking when he came to clean up the kitchens. Days like that, he normally had Alex work in the back in case he had a panic attack, but when he saw him with the guy with silver hair out front, he decided to let it go. Alex was good with people, and they seemed to be hitting it off.

He also knew it was mean when the machine quirted syrup at Alex's eye, but he used the broken one, so he knew what he was getting into when he turned it on.

Erik had gone back to the kitchen to make the donuts (the case had beeb empty for a week, it was a nightmare), so Charles wheeled himself out to a table, right next ti the window. He could see Scott and Jean at their usual booth, and the silver haired guy sitting a table away from them, bopping his head idly as Alex made his drink for him. 

Charles lifted his chin when he saw a man walk into the cafe, in a long black trenchcoat and spiked hair. His face looked worn but his eyes bright and he immediately zeroed in on Alex as the young man finished the coffee and was trying not to drop it as he brought it to the polite man with silver hair.

This was going to be interesting. Charles figured he should let Erik know just in case, as Alex's hands started to tremble once more.

\------

Okay, so Peter knew he shouldn't have been so flirty when he first walked in. And he shouldn't have said anythinwhen Alex was talking to his brother, but Peter couldn't help it. He was just a very talkative guy, and boy did he want to talk Alex up.

His hair was the perfect shade of blond to go with those bright blue eyes and his jawline seemed to go on for days. He knew he'd have to watch out for the hands, as it seemed Alex's hands shook whenever he was nervous, but that was okay. War did strange things to people, so Peter wasn't going to judge if Alex came back a little fidgety than normal.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see a man in a long black coat walk in and immediately focus on Alex as he set the cup down.

"One cappuccino for Peter," Alex announced, resting his hands on the desk. Alex had very long fingers, strong in their grip as he splayed them out on the table.

"Thanks, bro," Peter nodded, ducking his head. He really hoped black coat guy didn't notice him. He really hoped he'd stop staring, holy crap-

"Peter Maximoff? Is that you?"

Well, shit. 

Sighing, Peter tightened his grip around the mug, watching the steam rise in his face. The ceramic was hot, burning his palms.

"William," was all Peter said as he took a tentative sip.

"C'mon, baby," William slid into the seat next to him, and Peter tensed as William slid an arm around his shoulder, his other hand landing on his thigh. "Don't be like this. You didn't get my call?"

Peter took another sip, trying to edge his way away from William. Their relationship hadn't been the best- at first it was nice, but soon William became possessive, jealous and easily angry.

Peter really hoped Alex would go away now. This was embarrassing enough.

"I got your call," Peter managed through gritted teeth, "and the ten other calls. Please let go of my leg."

Instead, William gave him a squeeze, coffee sloshing over the lip of the mug as Peter jumped. The liquid landed on William's hand, making him yelp and pull away.

Thank god.

Setting the mug down, Peter looked up at Alex, who glared at William with those brilliant eyes of his, clicking his tongue with disdain.

"Can I get this to go, please?" Peter hated that his voice came out as barely a whisper, but hopefully Alex got the message. He wanted to leave now, right now-

"Nah, nah," William interjected, snatching Alex's wrist just a he reached for the cup, "Put that down, we're going to stay for a bit."

"Sir," Alex said, "I must ask that you let go of me."

Peter grimaced as William only tightened his grip, guiding Alex to sit across from them, "Why don't you join us, Pretty Boy? You have a break, right?"

Peter felt his face burning. The chair can fall out from under him now. Let the floor swallow him up whole, really that'd be great.

Alex's voice was level as he said, "I'm still working. Now please let go. And let my customer drink in peace."

William gave Alex a mocking grin, "Your hands are shaking. You sure you can keep working?"

"I'm fine. You sure you can keep running that mouth of yours in my establishment?"

William licked his lips, leaning forward as he scanned Alex like a cheetah stalking a gazelle, "I'll keep you running, that's for sure."

Peter scowled, "Please, just stop. Leave him alone-"

Peter looked around the place, grateful to find that it was mostly empty, save for the two kids and a man in a wheelchair. Who was watching the whole thing with an incredible amount of disdain. Locking eyes, Peter sent him a look that hopefully said "Help us, holy shit!" before turning around to get up.

"You know what, just leave the coffee, I should go-" Peter started, squeaking when he found himself in William's lap.

"Sir!" Alex barked, his voice conveying cold order, "You need to leave. Now."

William shrugged, wrapping an arm around Peter's waist, "Doing no harm. Just want to have a conversation with my boyfriend here is all."

"We broke up, Stryker!" Peter yanked himself away, "Get over it and leave me alone!"

William narrowed his eyes, standing to his full height. Peter always hated being short, but with William staring him down like this it was ridiculous. Alex gave him a wary look, ready to move and Peter sent him a silent thanks.

Maybe the guy in the wheelchair would do something. Who knew? The teenagers had kept to themselves, but he could see Alex's brother watching intently, red glasses glaring under the lights in the cafe.

"Peter-" William pouted, moving to grab his hand. Peter pulled his hand just out of reach.

"Is there a problem, sir?"

Peter looked past William's shoulder to see the man in the wheelchair rolling up to their table, "Alex, you know I pay you to not sit and chat with customers all day."

"Right, well-" Alex started. Ah. So Wheelchair Man was Alex's boss. That made sense.... sort of.

"Your waitstaff is incredibly rude," William cut in, slamming a hand on the table, "This imbecile spilled coffee on me, and he's being very intrusive when he's not wanted."

"Ah, I see," Wheelchair Man said, clasping his hands in his lap, "Alex, are you alright?"

Peter almost laughed at William's astonishment as the tension shifted to Alex, who merely looked confused.

"Charles, I'm fine-" Alex started, running a hand through his hair.

Charles raised an eyebrow, "Your hands are shaking again. Erik can take over your next shift."

"Really, it's fine-"

Charles was adamant, "Alex. Go, sit down." Peter wa quiet as Alex agreed, Charles reading Peter's cup, "Peter?"

Peter blinked, "Uh, yeah, sorry?"

"I'd hate to do this to you, my friend, but could you keep Alex company for now? Just so I can get this sorted out."

Peter agreed, ignoring the anger rolling off William in waves.

How embarrassing.

\-----

Alex wanted to die. He honest-to-God wanted some divine power to come down and slap some sense into him. Or kill him. Whichever was preferable. Which was the killing him part. But here he was on what was supposed to be a regular shift sitting with his hands shaking acroas from a super hot guy who just saved his (or did Alex save him?) ass from an ex-boyfriend who may or may not have anger issues.

Who Charles was now dealing with. 

Shit. This was so bad- what if the guy hurt Charles? What if he noticed Scott and Jean? What if he sued? What if-

"Alex, man! Breathe, okay?" Peter's voice snapped him back to reality, "Okay, just... in and out. Yeah?"

Alex nodded, blushing for what felt like the billionth time that day. This was ridiculous. This whole situation was ridiculous. The shop was not boring, but this incident was a whole new kind of crazy, even for him.

Erik should probably be out here, Alex mused. He'd be able to keep Charles ssfe in case Peter's asshole ex tried to tip his wheelchair or punch him in the face.

"Who's Erik?" Peter asked.

Alex groaned- of course he said that out loud! He could hear Charles and William swapping insults, Charles still being oh so polite as he caught William offguard with a rather underhanded comment about the man's mother.

"Uh, Charles's boyfriend," Alex explained, "he makes the donuts."

"Oh, cool," Peter said, drumming his fingers on the table. "Do you?"

Alex scoffed, "Make the donuts? No- Erik banned me from kitchen duty after I almost set the stove on fire."

Peter laughed at that, making Alex chuckle along. Charles wa spewing something about being a public nuisance. He was pretty sure Scott was filming the whole thing from his table.

"You are definitely telling me that story one day," Peter said, "but I meant do you have a boyfriend?"

Alex balked, choking on his own spit, "After this whole fiasco!?"

Peter shrugged, leaning back in his chair with a smirk, "No time like the present. Whaddya say- would you like to go on a date with me?"

Alex opened his mouth, surprised when Erik's voice came out instead, "Say yes to my son, Alex. He won't stop raving about you at home. Now I have to go save Charles from getting punched in the face." Peter grinned sheepishly as Erik clapped him on the back and said, "I am so glad you broke up with Stryker. Use protection." And then jumped in front of Charles just as he was delivering the final blow that would demolish Stryker's ego.

"Erik never told me he had a son," Alex said lamely. Peter shrugged.

"Well, here I am," he said, "Would that be too weird? Dating your coworker's son?"

Alex shook his head, "As long as he doesn't make it weird. What were you thinking of doing?"

The door slammed loudly, upsetting the bell, but now it wa finally quiet. Alex glanced down at his hands. They weren't shaking as bad as before, so that was a plus.

Peter scrunched his nose, "Well, possibly you, but then I figured it's way to early to even think of that, so how about coffee?"

"What, now?"

"We're in a coffee shop already, why not?" Peter countered. Alex peered over Peter's shoulder. He could see Scott training a camera phone on the two of them, Jean trying to swaf his hand away for the illusion of privacy.

Sometimes Alex thought Jean was too good for Scott. This was one of those times.

"I guess we're getting coffee then," Alex agreed, laughing as Peter pumped a fist in the air, pointing to Erik, "Yes! In your face, Dad!" 

Erik rolled his eyes, "Don't corrupt my cowoker, Peter. Charles already does that enough."

"If anything, you've already corrupted me," Charles corrected him nonchalantly, "I mean, who knew there were so many uses for a wheelchair, yeah?"

Alex pulled at his hair, "Oh my god. Kill me please."

"Mmm. No can do. I think Scott's got that covered."

Alex looked up to.find himself face to face with Scott's phone, the light blinking as Scott walked around the table.

"Scott." Alex huffed.

"Too late, Alex. This is already on YouTube. Artfully titled "My Brother's Boyfriend's Ex Gets A Talking To From 4 Ounces Of Whoop-Ass."

"Whoop-Ass?" Alex echoed.

"Charles. He can be scary when he wants to be. Gives new meanin to 'kill them with kindness' don't you think?"

"You are so not funny, Scott," Alex groaned.

Scott stifled a laugh, "I try, man. You should see your face right now, you look like a tomato."

Peter perked up, "Ooh, the one from Veggie-Tales?"

"Alex, I like your new boyfriend, you should keep him."

"Shut up, Scott."

"Okay, Bob."

Alex scoffed, raising an eyebrow at his brother, "Really?"

He was horrified to learn a few minutes later that the video already had two million views in the two minutes it had been up and Charles was already asking what people thought of his hair.

Typical. But at least Alex got a date out of it. 

He figured they'd deal with all the dramatics later. For now, he'd watch Erik try and get Charles's head out of thr clouds while Jean explained to Peter just how many people were watching his ex-boyfriend get knocked down a peg, and Alex found it satisfying.

His hands didn't shake for the rest of the day either.

**Author's Note:**

> I realize now that this is so extra I highly doubt coffee shops are this dramatic


End file.
